


A Handful of Moments I Wished I Could Change

by SichengForTheWinWin



Series: Give Me Therapy [2]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Canon Compliant, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2020-10-24
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:34:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27177268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SichengForTheWinWin/pseuds/SichengForTheWinWin
Summary: Seungcheol is a very good leader, but his understanding of personal boundaries can sometimes be a bit lackingorthe one where chan is really trying to not get anxious around his friends
Series: Give Me Therapy [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1505993
Kudos: 27





	A Handful of Moments I Wished I Could Change

**Author's Note:**

> This is written in a series of short moments of Chan dealing with the aftermath of what happened to him as he gets older. Sorry it got so heavy so quickly
> 
> Also, the portrayal of the other members tends to be very biased. This is because people dealing with trauma may not be able to clearly understand what is happening. It takes more work to make sure that they don’t misinterpret something, especially if it is in a similar realm to what happened to them.

10 years on and Chan only has two memories of it. One of them is vague. It includes some words that he’s never said before, so they may not even be real, and a collection of places he thinks he sported bruises at for about a week after. Not that anybody asked what he’d done. He was a naturally clumsy child and no one ever thought to ask about each specific bruise unless he brought their attention to it. And he’d been told multiple times not to tell anyone.

The other one is a bit more vivid. He remembers sternly saying ‘no’ multiple times, almost being convinced to stay and do it anyway, told ‘it’s the last time, I promise.’ He’d been hearing those words for a year at that point. He also heard ‘I did it for you; you have to do it for me.’ Since then, the idea of ‘returning the favor’ has eaten at his skin. And he remembers how scared he was when he walked away, crossing the distance back to his home, afraid that he’d chase after him.

He didn’t. And Chan made it home safely. And then he spent the next five years seeing him every single day.

* * *

Chan looked at himself in the mirror and couldn’t shake the thoughts from his head. Had he gained weight? Had his hair always seemed that flat? Were his shoulders too broad, his hips too low, his back too curved?

The longer he looked, the more the person in the mirror changed. It didn’t look like him anymore. It looked like someone who could have been him if he hadn’t made some of the choices he did. Maybe if he hadn’t danced so much when he was younger. Maybe if he hadn’t decided to become an idol. Maybe if he had just lived a normal life like a normal person, none of this would have happened.

He found himself scratching at his arm again. He was too scared to do any real damage, but the burning sensation made him feel better, more relaxed. He had a bunch of tiny scabs in the space a few inches below his elbow, on the inside of his arm. He could scratch at them, but he didn’t want to bleed. Someone would ask if they saw blood, but they wouldn’t bother for scars and bruises.

And it wasn’t that the others weren’t caring or anything. He was the maknae for crying out loud. They would hound him about his health if he stayed up late one night. But everyone seemed to agree it was safest to not ask about things like scars or bruises. They could have rough histories or be nothing but practice injuries and it wasn’t proper to ask after things like that.

Someone knocked on the door and Chan grunted to acknowledge he had heard. But he couldn’t really get his thoughts together. He was trying to not hate what he saw in the mirror and also willing away a moment.

He called them moments because saying “I had a moment” was a lot less intimidating than “I had a breakdown.” It just meant that he was unable to force his thoughts away from the worst case scenario. The last one he had was something about someone close to him being assaulted by someone else he knew. If he was rational, he knew he was being irrational, but that didn’t matter, because now he was noticing a few moles he hadn’t thought of recently. They weren’t scary, but they marred the only part of himself he actually seemed to like that day – the back of his thighs.

The person outside knocked harder and he snapped out of it.

“What the fuck are you doing in there?” they asked. Chan couldn’t pick out their voice at the moment, but he went ahead and jumped into his pants, pulling them up his still slightly wet thighs. He ran his hands through his hair a couple times to keep it from knotting and then opened the door.

Seungkwan was standing on the other side and sent him a withering glare. “If you’re gonna get off in the shower, you should just not shampoo your hair; it takes too long.”

He brushed past him and slammed the door angrily. Chan regretted making him angry like that, but he wasn’t really sure that he did anything wrong. He took a few minutes too many, but Seungkwan was just straight up rude.

Chan wandered to his room irritated, all thoughts from before gone. He was now just pissed at everything. He slammed his own door and flopped into bed, ready to fall asleep.

* * *

Jeonghan had been clingy since debut, but it had never bothered Chan before. He himself was clingy sometimes and he liked being close to people. Plus, Jeonghan reminded him nothing of  _ him _ and he didn’t imagine it would ever be a problem.

Except that Joshua had been drunk a few nights ago. And Jeonghan hadn’t. Sure, he’d had a few drinks, but nowhere near the amount that Jisoo had consumed. Jisoo was so drunk that he couldn’t stand up straight and had taken to leaning on whichever person was closest to him at the time.

Chan was a bit tipsy but he could clearly see the way Jeonghan was watching Jisoo stumble. His look was caring but predatory and Chan was struck with fear for Jisoo’s safety when Jeonghan left his conversation with Seungcheol to prowl the room.

Chan could hear him asking over and over if Jisoo wanted to go to bed. He kept saying no but Jeonghan kept asking. He wouldn’t stop trying and Chan could pinpoint the exact second when Jisoo gave in and let himself be carried towards the door.

Luckily, Seungcheol intercepted them and, with a pat on his back, sent Jeonghan back out into the mess that was 10 young adults pretending to have a party because they weren’t allowed to actually go to one.

And it’s not like Chan expected Jeonghan to ever actually do anything Jisoo didn’t want. He was 100% sure that if Jisoo said no, Jeonghan would respect that. He was probably just looking out for him and actually wanted to get him to bed so he didn’t hurt himself. Yeah, that was probably it.

Except Chan couldn’t stop thinking about that night. And with Jeonghan laying across the couch, his head in Chan’s lap, he couldn’t stop thinking that this was wrong. That he shouldn’t be allowing Jeonghan to get this close.

So he did the only thing he could do. He shoved Jeonghan off of him and sprinted from the room, leaving four very confused people behind him. His plan had been to hide in his room, but he caught sight of Vernon up the stairs on his phone, walking that direction, and he decided that he didn’t want to be with him right now. Instead, he pressed his back against the wall and waited for a moment to be by himself.

He could hear the others trying to figure out why he had made such a scene for no reason.

“Has he been acting weird lately? Like he’s trying to put distance between himself and all of us?” Wonwoo’s voice was even and deep. It reminded Chan of his father sometimes, which reminded him of another man whose voice sounded like his dad’s.

No! He wasn’t going to let that horrible man ruin his relationship with Wonwoo.

“Hasn’t he always been like that?” He could hear a rustling sound and assumed that Junhui must have removed himself from under Wonwoo’s arm.

“Maybe with you. But not with me.”

Junhui scoffed. “Is that because I’m Chinese? This is sinophobia.”

Wonwoo laughed and Jeonghan turned up the volume on the television. Chan paused for a second and decided that being with Vernon was a better option than listening to Wonwoo and Junhui bicker.

* * *

Chan has never before in his life been accosted in an alleyway. Or under a broken streetlight. Or at a convenience store late at night. He knows he’s not the type to be. For one thing, he’s not a teenage girl. But the anxiety still hangs over him sometimes. As far as he knows, none of the other boys ever have this fear.

“Channie-ah~” Mingyu cooed as he slid up to Chan in the kitchen, inserting himself into Chan’s space. He was in the process of making himself a small dinner since no one else seemed excited about food yet and he was hungry. It was just instant ramen with a bit of the kimchi they had left over, but it was good enough.

“What do you want, hyung?”

Mingyu pretended to be offended. “Why do you think I want something? Can’t I just talk to my best friend in the whole world?”

Chan huffed his disbelief. “I thought Wonwoo was your best friend.”

“No,” Mingyu laughed. “Wonwoo’s my boyfriend. You’re my platonic best friend.”

Chan turned to stick his ramen in the microwave and Mingyu pounced. “And, as my platonic best friend, you have to do something if I ask you very, very nicely.”

Chan rolled his eyes. “I knew it. What do you want, hyung?”

Mingyu didn’t feign offense this time, instead smiling his toothy grin like a cat who’d just cornered it’s toy. It was a very easy thing to do, but the cat thinks it’s accomplished some great feat. Chan didn’t feel the need to burst his bubble with this fact.

“Would you mind too terribly running down to the 7-11 and picking me up some things? I’ve made you a list.” Mingyu shoved a wrinkled piece of paper into Chan’s briefly empty hands.

“Actually, Mingyu-hyung, I don’t like going out after dark.”

Mingyu huffed.

He didn’t understand. Chan hadn’t expected him to. Nobody understood. And especially not someone like Mingyu. Mingyu was tall and handsome and in very good shape. And he hadn’t been a particularly interesting kid, at least in the looks department, so he’d never been trained to fear the other people who lurk in the dark. Nowadays, he was more likely to be afraid of some crazy sasaengs leaping out at him than that someone might grab him, or stab him, or harm him in any other way.

“Come on! It’s a safe neighborhood and it’s only a block over.”

Chan didn’t have the energy to point out that  _ he _ grew up in a safe neighborhood too and that someone had still held up the 7-11 near his house at gunpoint. So he just left his ramen in the microwave and shuffled to the front door. He very much expected it to be gone when he got back.

With a can of pepper spray in his hand and his keys sliding between his fingers, he embarked on his great and, as was obvious as soon as he was back inside, uneventful quest.

* * *

The day he told Seungcheol what happened to him 10 years ago was the day that he walked in on Junhui and Minghao kissing in the bathroom. It was all very tame and Junhui jumped about a foot in the air once he realized Chan was there, but it was still enough that Chan decided he needed to tell someone.

It wasn’t like actually seeing them kiss had reminded him of anything. He still only had two vague memories and neither of them came back to him at that point. But he did realize that the guys around him were probably all very focused on sex. Which was natural! They were a collection of boys in their late teens, early twenties and they had never been able to fully explore being sexually active, what with training and the rush of debuting.

And Chan really needed to say something before it got too much. Before he walked in on one of them doing something a lot more serious than kissing in the bathroom. Or maybe someone approached him with a few dirty thoughts and a little too much alcohol.

Seungcheol took it all about as well as could be expected. He was obviously upset, but he didn’t express it outwardly. He was probably trying to keep calm in front of Chan. Which itself was upsetting, but it also let Chan continue on with everything perfectly normally. And Seungcheol didn’t seem like he was going to mention it ever again. Which was bad, but Chan understood. He wasn’t the person Chan needed to do something, but he was someone he had wanted some form of comfort from.

And he’d gotten comfort. But not reassurance.

The first thing his hyung did was freeze. Chan had approached it in a weird way, so this wasn’t unexpected.

“Hyung, can we talk?”

Seungcheol froze. He had been in the middle of some show on his computer, so the next thing he did was dart his hand out and pause it. He was very insistent that it was rude to watch TV while someone else was in the room.

“Yeah, what’s up?”

“It’s kind of important, but it’s not urgent so if you don’t have time right now, we can talk whenever.”

Seungcheol smiled, something that was probably supposed to be reassuring, and moved the computer off his lap. He straightened up and moved his blankets so that Chan had space to sit down across from him. He felt awkward, perched on the edge of the bed with nothing around him, nothing to ground him, but if that was all the discomfort that he felt in this, then he would be happy with the outcome.

As it was, he now actually had to say the words that he’d only said to seven people before.

When he was done, Seungcheol didn’t react. He just stared for a while. Then he figured staring was probably rude and looked away quickly.

“I’ve told my parents, if that’s what you’re wondering.” Chan didn’t want Seungcheol to freak out and think he had to deal with this all on his own. He didn’t have to do anything about it if that’s what he chose. Chan wasn’t asking him to solve everything.

“I wasn’t, but that’s good.”

Chan felt a blush on his face, but it wasn’t embarrassment. It was fear. He was afraid that Seungcheol would judge him now. He didn’t want to be seen as damaged or weak or pitied in any way. He was still the same Chan he had been ten minutes ago, before Seungcheol had known.

“I’m sorry this happened to you. You know you could have told me sooner.”

He could have told everyone sooner. Everyone always said that, always said that they wish they had known. They didn’t seem to think about how hard it was for Chan to even make the words come out of his mouth. Although, to be fair to them, they didn’t know how long he had gone pretending it never happened in the first place.

“I know.”

Seungcheol nodded.

“Is there anything you need now? Anything I can do? I can talk to Jun and Hao about it, make sure they don’t bother you or anything.”

Chan shook his head. “No, that’s fine. I just really thought you should know.”

Seungcheol nodded.

“Thank you for telling me.”

Chan took that as his cue to exit. He stood, straightened his shirt, and left Seungcheol behind. “I love you!” Seungcheol called to his retreating figure. He didn’t say it back. He did most of the time, but right now he was too absorbed in praising himself for getting through that conversation.

* * *

Chan looked at himself in the mirror and for a while, thought he actually looked pretty good. He wasn’t wearing anything special, just a pink t-shirt with some white-washed jeans and a black belt. It’s a perfectly normal thing to be wearing. But he seemed to be pulling it off a bit better today.

Soonyoung walked up behind him and smiled at him in the mirror. “You okay?”

Chan had a sneaking suspicion that Seungcheol had told Soonyoung what he’d told him. If he had, it frustrated him because it wasn’t Seungcheol’s news to share. But also, it made it easier because it was one less person that Chan would eventually decide needed to know and then have to force his way through telling.

“Yeah, just thinking.”

Soonyoung laughed. “About how sexy our maknae is?” It was a joke so Chan laughed. He would think it was funny if he wasn’t so wrapped up in his own head all of a sudden.

“Obviously.”

Soonyoung patted him on the shoulder and turned him around. “You are great.” He didn’t seem like he was joking anymore, instead trying to make Chan understand something important. It was weird. Where was this coming from? “I know you know that, too. But it doesn’t hurt to hear it every once in a while. You are a great dancer, a nice person, and you look fantastic.”

Chan felt himself warming inside. He had really needed someone to say that, he just hadn’t realized it yet.

“Thank you, hyung.”

Soonyoung shook his head. “No problem. I meant it. Now come on, we need to be on stage 30 seconds ago.”

Chan followed Soonyoung out of the mostly empty room at a jog, trying to catch up with everyone else who had already made it to the side-stage. He felt lighter than he had in awhile. He knew that he looked good, that people liked him, and that he was able to actually do things he enjoyed. Sometimes, he felt lost in a sea of people and tasks, but now, now that his friend had told him how much he enjoyed being around him, completely unprompted, he felt like maybe it was true.

He could never know for sure, but it seemed a bit unlikely that they were all just pretending to like him to be nice.

**Author's Note:**

> how dare you accuse me of putting my problems onto fictional characters instead of dealing with them myself.
> 
> Also, why am I so mean to Mingyu?? Wtf??


End file.
